


calm waters

by estherroberts



Series: one another's present tense [2]
Category: Alta Mar | High Seas (TV 2019)
Genre: Emotional Vulnerability, F/F, i really just want them to be safe & happy, kind of like the comfort half of hurt comfort ?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 14:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30006339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estherroberts/pseuds/estherroberts
Summary: carolina and casandra take a bath together for the first time
Relationships: Casandra Leonormand/Carolina Villanueva
Series: one another's present tense [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2201079
Comments: 5
Kudos: 6





	calm waters

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place a few hours after the events of [stained glass, variation of the truth ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29282865)
> 
> the title comes from the song "two" by sleeping at last, which i listened to _so_ much when i was writing this! highly recommend checking it out.

casandra leans back against carolina’s chest and carolina runs her fingers through the other woman’s hair. her long black locks trail through the bath water and feel soft against carolina’s now wrinkled hands. 

“how are you feeling?” carolina asks, kissing the side of casandra’s head. 

“mm. content.” she looks over to her. “i like the way you feel.” 

carolina blushes. she’s enjoyed the intimacy of this in an unexpected way, and she feels like it’s brought them closer somehow. and sure, yes, okay, her mind did wander... she did wonder, if casandra’s motivations for wanting to bathe with her had been... well. but she hasn’t tried anything, and carolina wouldn’t dare, and so they’ve just soaked. 

it’s not that she doesn’t want to sleep with her. she does, she really does. sometimes casandra simply looks at her and carolina can see everything she’s waiting to do in her eyes. but carolina’s nervous. and she thinks casandra can tell, because neither of them have brought it up. 

well, not verbally. maybe casandra had run her fingers along the insides of carolina’s thighs and raised an eyebrow at the shivers it caused. and maybe, once, carolina sucked on casandra’s finger and watched as her expression turned full of desire. but she’s pretty sure they’re not gonna sleep together. at least, not tonight. 

“do you want to switch?”

carolina nods, and the water sloshes around as they change positions. now carolina sits between casandra’s legs, her back to her chest. 

casandra plays with her hair too, and carolina hums happily. 

“you’ve had kind of a difficult day.” 

carolina laughs once through her nose. “yes. but so have you.” 

“who had it worse,” casandra asks, letting one finger trace long lines up and down carolina’s spine. 

carolina shivers at the contact. 

“the girl who got possessed?” casandra continues, “or the one whose father died, and then who got kidnapped and stuffed in a trunk?”

she sighs. “that’s not a fair comparison.”

“mhm.”

carolina leans backward into casandra’s arms. she tries not to think too hard about how it feels to be held like this. she feels... completely safe. cared for. maybe for the first time in, well, she doesn’t know how long. there’s no murderers, no poison, no danger, just her and casandra, just this bath, just this now. she runs her fingers through the soap bubbles and tries not to cry with relief. “is it completely insane?”

“is what?” 

carolina shrugs. “what we did. what i did.” 

casandra’s silent, but it’s a respectful silence, or rather, one that expects carolina to continue on her own. 

“is it completely insane that i left my husband who i have only been married to for a week... for someone i met a week ago?” 

casandra laughs. “yes. absolutely, yes.” 

“oh, well, thank you,” carolina says, trying to pull sarcasm into her words, but she’s laughing too. 

“but, you were right, it’s kind of crazy for me too. i haven’t done anything but plotting and conspiracies for two years, and i... i don’t know what i was expecting would happen after, but it certainly wasn’t this.” 

carolina likes the way casandra’s chest buzzes against her skin as she talks. she closes her eyes for a moment and considers her words. “it was the right choice, though.” 

“yes.” casandra wraps her arms around carolina’s waist and leans forward, resting her head on carolina’s back and shoulders. “oh, um, carolina?” she asks, after a long moment. 

“yes?”

“i want to tell you... i’m sorry. i know... i know i’ve apologized already, but, i want you to know. i think it was especially unfair of me to equivocate everything i did to you with your concealment of the letter.” 

carolina sighs, long and slow. when she fills her lungs with air again, the warm and safe feeling stays with her and she turns around a little to see casandra. “thank you for saying that,” she tells her and reaches out to hold casandra’s face with her hand. “but i am still sorry i kept it from you.” 

“and i’m so sorry i suspected you, even if it was only for a moment.” 

carolina turns all the way around now, ignoring their tangle of limbs as best she can in order to get as close to casandra as possible. “we talked about this, yeah?” 

“yeah.” 

“i forgave you. and i’ll do it again if you need me to, okay?” 

“okay.” casandra looks at her with an expression so fragile carolina can’t help but pull her into her arms. 

casandra melts into carolina’s embrace, burying her face in the crook of her neck. “i don’t deserve you,” she whispers against carolina’s skin.

carolina knows she heard her right, but she doesn’t want to believe that she did. she doesn’t know what to say. and the water’s gone cold. her hands shake against casandra’s back for a moment, and then she leans them both backward, twisting her arm around to turn the hot water back on and let some of the cooling water out. the steady sound of the tap fills the air, and steam leaks into the room. she picks up the bottle of hotel shampoo on the counter and starts massaging it into casandra’s beautiful hair. 

“what are you doing?” casandra asks softly, still not moving away from the embrace. 

carolina kisses her forehead, avoiding the generous amount of suds she’s created. “i’m washing your hair.” 

seemingly satisfied with that explanation, or at least deciding not to protest, casandra nuzzles closer into carolina’s neck. 

she has _so_ much hair. carolina thinks it must be exhausting to take care of all the time, wonders if casandra is as particular about the way it looks as carolina is about hers. but she continues to wash it in silence. occasionally, casandra hums or sighs, but she doesn’t say anything either. 

when carolina rinses casandra’s hair, she adjusts their position a bit so she can cup her hands under the running tap and pour it gently over her head, again and again, watching the soap disappear. when she’s done, she lifts casandra’s face to meet her own. 

she looks at her, and she wants to say, _how can you think that?_ she wants to say, _i don’t deserve you, either._ and she wants casandra to know exactly how precious she is. but carolina just looks at her, and holds her gaze. 

“i love you,” casandra whispers, looking down. “thank you... for doing that.” 

“i love you, too.” she lets go of her face, and holds casandra’s hands under the water. carolina knows nothing she can say will reallychange casandra’s mind, but words start spilling out anyway. “you are a good person. a truly, undeniably good person. and i understand you, okay?” carolina takes a shaky breath. “i understand why you did what you did. i know i would be... just like you. if it was eva.” 

casandra nods and squeezes her hands. “thank you.” there are tears shining in her eyes but she doesn’t let go of carolina to brush them away. “i’m sorry, i—i… that feeling has been rattling around in my head all day.”

“it’s okay,” carolina tells her, “it’s okay. this isn’t something you have to apologize for.” 

the tear that’s been threatening to fall from casandra’s eye gives up the ghost. carolina doesn’t want to let go of her hands to wipe it, so she leans forward and kisses casandra’s cheek, right in the middle of its path. she leans back and looks at her, biting her lip. “i just want you to know, you know, you’re so… you’re so dear to me, that i— _i_ feel lucky. to be with you, that you chose me.” 

“lucky?” casandra looks up again, and meets her gaze. she seems lighter, a little relieved, and a little amused. still fragile though. 

“i feel lucky that you... saw something in me. that i still can’t see.”

“oh, _carolina_ , it doesn’t have anything to do with luck.” casandra grabs the shampoo bottle. “may i?” 

carolina nods. there’s another moment where they have to renegotiate themselves in what little space they have, adjusting so that once again, carolina’s back is to casandra and she can reach her hair more easily. 

“if i couldn’t, you know,” casandra begins, adding shampoo to carolina’s hair and scrubbing it in, “ _see_ how you feel about yourself, i’d have trouble believing it. you are absolutely incandescent.” 

carolina blushes, and is relieved casandra can’t see. “oh, sure, but can’t you see that’s how i feel about you, too? it’s impossible to me that you should think of yourself in such a negative way.” 

casandra clicks her tongue. “well, it seems we have ourselves a stalemate,” she says after a moment. 

carolina giggles. “i suppose so.” she can feel the tension moving out of her body as casandra’s fingertips perform some kind of magic on her scalp. “so where do we go from here?” 

“in this conversation? or our lives,” casandra asks, and carolina can hear the smile in her voice. 

“well...” carolina trails her hand through the water. “life-wise... i was thinking, maybe tomorrow we could go sight-seeing.” 

“ooh! that does sound nice.” casandra leans down and kisses the back of carolina’s shoulder. “although, i must say, i’m...” she kisses the side of carolina’s neck. “a little bit tempted to stay inside, here with you, alllllll day.” 

carolina’s breath catches in her throat. the idea of having casandra to herself, here, for a whole day... her brain turns to static for a moment. “you know...” she tells her, “i didn’t really get to have a honeymoon.” 

“i know,” casandra says, and once again her grin has leaked into her words. “you spent the day after your wedding following me around.” 

carolina drops her head to her hands. “you _knew_!?” 

“of course, carolina, i _wanted_ your attention!” she pulls her back into her arms and starts rinsing her hair. 

at this point, carolina’s blushing so hard her face is hotter than the bath water. “for your con, or...?” she manages to squeak out. 

“i changed tactics the minute i laid eyes on you.” 

“oh, really?” 

“really, i—” casandra laughs. “i was just supposed to befriend you, be an ally, you know, someone to talk to about the ghost but... you were _so_ pretty...” 

“you’re incorrigible.” carolina’s teasing her, but she’s thinking about the moment they met too. how she forgot how to breathe the first time casandra looked at her. how she’d said... “casandra?” 

“yes?” 

“do actually you believe in the things you said, about other lives?” 

casandra presses her lips onto carolina’s now clean head and kisses her there. “i seemed familiar to you, right?” 

“you still do. like i’ve known you so much longer...” 

“yes. i can’t seem to shake that feeling either.” 

“well, if ghosts are real—” 

carolina turns around, meeting her eyes playfully. “who knows what else?” 

they’re both laughing again and carolina collapses forward against casandra. “we should... get out.” 

casandra waves a hand in front of carolina’s face. her fingers are _incredibly_ wrinkled. “you think so?”

carolina giggles and leans back again. she looks up, over at casandra, and gestures, “after you.” 

“you’re only saying because you want to watch me, aren’t you?” 

“i don’t have to answer that.” 

as casandra stands up, carolina moves to stretch herself out in the space she leaves behind. but casandra was right—she does want to watch, and so she doesn’t let her eyes leave the other woman as she steps out of the bath. 

when they’d gotten in, carolina had deflected her gaze, more out of embarrassment at her desire to look than out of politeness. and during their soak, she hadn’t looked much either, but their close contact throughout it has emboldened her. so now, she drinks casandra in, admiring every curve, every beauty mark, every scar. she’s trying to be flirtatious about it, too, but when her eyes land on casandra’s chest, she blushes, hard, and grabs the side of the bath to steady herself. dios, she is… gorgeous. 

casandra laughs. she leans forward and kisses carolina, once on each of her burning cheeks. 

carolina gets out quickly, torn between the desire to wrap herself up tight in a towel and the desire to let casandra see her, too. the former wins out, though; she’s sure she’s red all _over_ now, and she rushes back into the main section of their hotel room. 

casandra follows her closely behind, wrapping a towel around herself as she walks. she moves over to the side of the bed with her suitcase near it, and kneels down to go through her clothes. 

carolina breathes a barely perceptible sigh of relief and hurries her way through the business of putting on a nightgown. now that they’re both out of the bath, she feels a vulnerability around casandra she hadn’t before. it was as though their physical closeness had only been excusable because they’d had no space, and no choice. now, every time they touch, it’ll be on purpose. intentional. so she’s not making eye contact with casandra, not even looking over to her, and she heads back to the bathroom to brush her teeth without a word. once she’s done, she braces herself against the sink. why is she feeling like this? it’s not _regret_ , just an intensity of emotion so complicated she hardly knows what to do with it. it’s been here all along, of course, from the moment casandra had first lain her hand against carolina’s cheek. some combination of desire, affection, adoration, embarrassment, protectiveness, and yes, a little fear, that’s been simmering within her for days. and now, with nowhere to hide, she’s looking it right in the face. 

she wants casandra so badly. and she knows… she understands that they’ve made a commitment to each other, that casandra is _hers_ now, but it’s still unbelievable to her. still so new. how on earth is she going to survive a night spent next to her? 

she looks up, and she can see casandra in the mirror behind her. casandra waves a toothbrush, asking with her eyes if she can come into the bathroom next to carolina. 

carolina nods and swallows. as casandra passes her, she places a hand on the small of carolina’s back. “are you alright?” 

as casandra touches her, carolina burns. the connection between them hums, electrified. carolina turns around, back to the sink, facing casandra. she’s not sure what in her expression has betrayed her inner turmoil, but she’s never been good at a poker face. “i don’t know why,” carolina stammers, “i just… got nervous.”

“that’s okay,” casandra tells her, concern on her face. 

“i want to take care of you,” carolina whispers, “i want to hold you, and kiss every inch of you, and i want—so much…”

casandra blushes.

“but…” carolina continues, “i’m afraid to even touch you.” 

“why do you think that is?” 

carolina can tell there’s a part of casandra that wants to ask _how is that possible?_ considering what they were doing only moments ago. but casandra is not a person who judges quickly, and the kindness in her voice softens carolina in a way that question wouldn’t have. 

“you don’t seem real,” carolina laughs nervously. “i’m afraid you’re going to slip away.” she stretches out a hand for casandra’s arm, tentatively, pulling back and then reaching forward again. when she touches her, casandra moves forward, placing her other hand on top of carolina’s. 

“i’m here,” she says, and her voice is strong when she says it. “i’m not going anywhere.” 

carolina looks up at her and meets her eyes. 

casandra looks back, and grinning, crashes forward into carolina’s arms. “see,” she says, her voice muffled as she talks into carolina’s shoulder, “i’m real. and carolina? i want to take care of you, too.” 

carolina holds her closer and buries her face in casandra’s hair, the hair she washed herself only moments ago. their connection is _real_ , carolina reminds herself, this is real, and she has to be willing to accept casandra’s affection as much as she wants casandra to accept hers. she kisses casandra’s head and leaves to let her brush her teeth in peace. 

she turns out every light but the lamp by her bed and crawls under the covers. she rests her head against the headboard. the sheets are scratchier than the sheets on the _bárbara de braganza_ , but something about that is reassuring. she’s off the ship. she’s safe. 

when casandra steps out of the bathroom, she waves at carolina and floats her way over to the other side of the bed. but when she slips under the covers, she moves all the way over to carolina’s side, with only centimeters between them. “hello.”

“hi,” carolina says, turning to her with a shy smile. 

casandra moves as though to grab one of carolina’s hands and hold it, but her hand hovers in the space above it. 

“are you nervous too?” carolina whispers.

casandra just nods. 

carolina looks at her, and pats her chest. 

casandra slides over, her head resting on carolina, an arm draped across her waist. she sighs, content. 

she fits there perfectly. carolina had thought she’d known what being comfortable meant, what her body was supposed to feel like before she drifted off to sleep, but she’d been clueless. it was always supposed to be like this. her hand skates over casandra’s skin for a moment, still afraid to touch her, but then she breaks, drawing circles all over her back and arms, listening as casandra’s breathing slows. 

“i love you,” carolina whispers. “good night.” 

casandra is already asleep in her arms. 

carolina turns off the light and holds her close, staying awake as long as she can, hoping she’ll remember this for the rest of her life.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic really means a lot to me. it ended up being a lot more intense and vulnerable than i planned, and i almost didn't post it! but these two really deserve more content. speaking of which, if you liked this at all, please do yourself a favor and check out [tinaamato09's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tinaamato09/pseuds/Tinaamato09) writing too! her work is so beautiful and she captures casandra and carolina in such an insightful way. 
> 
> shout out to alex and mo for the editorial help and support, i owe you my life. and thank you to blue for listening to me complain about how difficult it is to write emotional vulnerability for like two weeks straight, bless you for that. 
> 
> this might be my last alta mar fic for a bit because i'm running out of ideas, but please feel free to drop me a hello or a prompt on tumblr [@patron-saints!](https://patron-saints.tumblr.com/) and let me know what you think in the comments!


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